Keeping A Hold Of The Inner Kid... For Sanity's Sake

First off, let me explain that I knew it was going to take a very particular woman to really fall for me, given my... interesting characteristics. That's why I knew it would be nothing short of a miracle when said woman would come into my life. It could only be God.

I alluded to some of my characteristics in the very first post of this blog. But here is where I will go into some more detail about this more interesting side of me. Not so much talking about the emotional side of me right now as much as I am talking about the more kid-like side of me.

"Don't stop being like a kid and being fun when you get older and married." — My niece, Kaylie

I will never forget those words that my niece said to me when she was very young. She's around twelve years old now, but at the time she said that she was probably about six or seven years old. And I have done my best to live out that request... though it's not like it's been some obligatory thing. It's really been rather natural.

I have developed a rule in the last several years, essentially reflecting what my niece said. I will grow up, yes. I will mature, yes. But... I never want to lose the fun, kid-like side of me. Because I just don't see how I'm supposed to have any fun being an adult, otherwise.

I can play the part of the "adult", yes. I can take the lead. I can go to work. I can pay bills. And all that silly stuff. I have no trouble doing that when it's needed. But I really thrive when being more kid-like.

One of the areas I like to be kid-like is my humor. I love to make people laugh (as much as I love to laugh). And I have found that something that gets a lot of my adult friends laughing is when I take on a sort of more kid-like humor. Because the fact is most of them aren't expecting that kind of humor coming from an adult. So it really lends itself to a lot of fun. Have I run into adults who felt my level of humor was much too immature and beneath them? Of course. Buuuut I just courteously shrug and say "Whatever." While I may be tempted to think those people are much too uptight... the truth is that they aren't wrong, just different.

There have been, of course, times when I have had more fun and gotten along more with kids than I have adults. It takes a very specific kind of adult to be able to really engage with me—and by the way, this is not me saying that I am some kind of special person that can only be appreciated by special people.... well.... actually... I am "special" alright... but no, what I mean is that I'm not raising myself above everyone else when I say that—specifically kids between the ages of three and twelve or thirteen.

Now of course there are some people in my life that are close friends, but they don't quite get my humor. But rather than thinking I'm "beneath" them, essentially they just shake their heads and roll their eyes but still "put up" with me and get along with me. Which I don't mind, that actually makes me laugh.

So, in what other ways am I kid-like?

Okay, so there are times when I am outside taking a walk... where suddenly (as a music composer) I start composing a track in my head. And then suddenly the kid takes over and I find myself imagining events taking place around me, going along with the music I am composing in my head. I see knights and goblins at war. Dragons flying overhead breathing fire upon the woodlands. I see a company of heroes traveling through the tall grass. And then... what's this? A goblinoid commander noticing me? Brandishing his sword and glaring at me, placing one of his iron-clad boots behind him... ready to charge? Well... how else am I supposed to defend myself but to grab the nearest stick just as he reaches me, and lift it above my head to block his furious attack...? And he obviously is not going to leave me alone. He is going to be relentless. So I am forced to fight back with a vigorous flurry of stabs and slices! Meanwhile the music in my head is taking on total EPICNESS, with brass jabs and sharp staccato strings accompanying each swing of our swords! You cannot even behold the awesomeness of the scene that is taking place. If you saw it... you would probably have no choice but to fall to your knees and weep at its splendor.

Orrrrrr you might instead cock an eyebrow and curl your lip at the sight of a quarter-century-old man in his backyard wearing not a ragged tunic and cloak and weathered boots but a Star Wars t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, and rabidly swinging a foot-long twig in the air.

Orrrr... perhaps not a mere twig.

Twinkle and Icingdeath, hanging in wait to deal lots of deaths
to many a bloody evil assailant of DOOM!

A couple years ago, my sister and brother-in-law, Sarah and Andrew, got me one of the coolest Birthday/Christmas gifts ever when I tore open the box to find replicas of the twin scimitars Twinkle and Icingdeath used by one of my favorite fictional fantasy characters of all time, Drizzt Do'Urden, a drow elf created by fantasy author R.A. Salvatore for his Legend of Drizzt novel series.

Well... suffice it to say, these two scimitars have been used on multiple occasions to fight off many an attacking foe. There was a time a couple years ago when I had just finished watching the awesome film Willow, and it was snowing outside, and my adrenaline was pumping like nobody's business. So... I grabbed the scimitars, ran outside into the deep snow, and it was still falling from the sky... and flipped and twirled and swung the blades "epically" in the dark white of the snowy night.

And then there have been other times when just in my home I have taken the swords out and sprinted through the house swinging them violently. And yes.... more than one occasion has left a mark or scratch or tear in walls, ceilings, and furniture. (However, I would like to point out that I actually was prepared to use the swords legitimately one time when I thought someone had broken into my house; I got them out and, holding them at the ready, searched cautiously every room and closet in the house).

Other than that... There have been times when I have grabbed one of my Die-Cast Star Wars vehicles, or the replica of the USS Enterprise 1701 Refit from Star Trek: The Motion Picture hanging underneath my icon-shelf... and just for literally a second or two "flew" them through the air in my bedroom, of course making engine noises with my mouth as I do so.

Another thing I do often is pretend I have superhuman abilities. Like conjuring balls of energy in my hands that can blast through doors and walls. Or have telekinesis to lift objects like cars or people. And other times if I am out and come into contact with an automatic door... I will thrust or wave my hand in front of me, as if using the Force to open the door. Or I will try and cast webs from my wrists like Spider-man.

Sometimes if I am alone in my car I will imagine I am being interviewed for some epically awesome movie that I composed the score or did the sound design for. Orrr sometimes imagine I am a stuffy-nosed pathetic sounding Politician who is being asked what he hopes to accomplish if he is elected. Or take my phone, turn on the audio recorder and pretend like I'm some weird plumber guy, or creepy British doctor, or a person with very bad English. Or sometimes if I'm really hyper I will do weird beatbox noises. Or sometimes I just make really loud annoying noises or laughs to see if I can annoy myself.


Yes. Yes... All of this is very true. And I'm laying it out there for you to see. I warned you.


I have discovered that I really need this side of me. I really do. It honestly keeps me sane in the midst of a very crazy world (the world's "crazy" and my "crazy" are very different). It has also helped me (almost therapeutically) in the past, as well, to stave off Depression.

There have been times when I have truly tried to fully assimilate an "adult" personality. I found that life extremely dull, tiring, and altogether lifeless. It just wasn't for me. Again, sure I'm not doing away with all adult qualities. But I have discovered that there really is a way to do what needs to be done as an adult without sacrificing the inner kid. If I lose the inner kid I know that I will lose a very large part of who I am.  So... I hold onto it. And thank God I have actually not only been surrounded by a family and a number of friends who really appreciate this side of me... but of course He has also brought an incredible woman into my life who understands, empathizes... and even has a really really awesome inner kid herself. In my past I have tried to engage in a relationship with women who neither shared nor truly understood this inner-kidness. But because, at the time, I was so desperate to be loved, I actually began to pretend to be something that I wasn't. And after a little while I realized I didn't like who I was having to pretend to be. And realized that if I couldn't be loved for who I really was, then it wasn't really love, just a very distant resemblance. And I thank God He helped me realize that. Because little did I know at the time that "the One" was waiting for me, who not only understood this part of me, but admired it and shared it herself. It was incredible when I discovered that I truly could be myself with my fiancée, Julia. And not only did(/does) she love me for who I am, but I found that the more I was myself, the more she loved me. Heck, the night we began our relationship (February 14th, 2012) I told her I loved her (with her permission). She told me she didn't feel like she could say it back just yet, that I had to woo her first. Now, in my mind I'm thinking about dates, flowers, love letters... but after a few days of merely talking over GoogleTalk... she suddenly told me that she loved me. I was taken aback, and said "But I didn't even do anything!" to which she replied "You were just... yourself." And that was enough :-D

So... given the circumstances of the kind of man that I am.... Yeah... I knew if I was ever to find a woman who could love me for who I was... it could be none other than someone sent by God :)

The Simple Things...

I think one of the big things I have been discovering in my relationship with my fiancée is that you really don't have to go all out to make things special. Sometimes smaller things can be truly more personal and more, dare I use the R-word... romantic *wolf-whistle*. Yes, every now and again it is fun to just splurge and not really worry about the money and just have a good time. Julia and I actually did that twice this year. And they do definitely leave an impression in memory.

But I have found that the times that have truly had more meaning to the both of us are those times in which we have done more simple things.

For instance, here in this part of the East Coast there is a chain of convenience store/gas stations called Wawa Food Markets (I know... that name is... very special). Wawa has its own specific brand of coffee. And most of the time it is very good. My personal favorite coffee drinks are their cappuccinos. And specifically during the Fall/Winter is when they have my absolute favorite cappuccino, Pumpkin Spice. Anyway, I digress.Wawa has coffee, and it's usually good. And it's also a great price. And Julia and I have developed a habit of just driving to the nearest Wawa late at night and picking up some coffee and then going for a drive. So simple, yet it's one of our favorite things to do. Usually what happens is we end up getting into these really fun or even serious conversations, over a cup of coffee.

We also sometimes will just go for a drive during the day and just pick random roads and see where they take us. Usually I will pick ones I've never been down before and just keep driving until I see something I recognize.

A few days after Christmas, she and I had one of our more memorable "simple" date nights. And it wasn't totally planned. One evening we had the need to get out and do something active, like taking a walk or, as I suggested, going to the nearby park and just swinging on the swing set or something. We got to the park... only to get out of the truck and be greeted by the cruel biting gales of Winter. So we turned around and got back in the truck and decided... to go for a drive and look at houses decorated with Christmas lights. We picked one town and just zigzagged through all of the streets for over an hour, all the while listening to Christmas music and looking at all the houses while engaging in some very deep discussions about family experiences. We got home a couple hours later and both of us could not get over how amazing something as simple as that had been.

I have had a lot of fun in those times when Julia and I have gone to see a movie or gone out for dinner or something, a lot of fun... But there was something much more beautiful about taking a drive around a town drowned in Christmas decorations while sharing memories and thoughts about Christmas and our families.

Don't underestimate the simple things. Because it truly is those things that you end up remembering more fondly.

.....Annnnd this whole post sounds like a heckin' Hallmark commercial. Great. Securing my manliness for generations to come....

"Fatigue" Is Just A Polite Way Of Saying "I'M DYING!!!"

Okay, perhaps I am making it more dramatic than it actually is. But still, there is probably nothing more irritating than feeling tired all of the time. I have been dealing with this for a very long time, actually. Probably almost three years now, if I am remembering correctly. It first started to truly blossom when I hit my era of depression, but even though I got out of that... the drowsiness has clung to me very tightly.

There are probably only a handful of times throughout the day when I don't feel sleepy. Thankfully I rarely feel the drowsiness when I'm at work, thanks to the fact that my job is physical, keeps me on my feet and moving all day. But it will hit at lunch break when I am stationary for thirty minutes. Usually I will get a second wind when I go back to work, but then when I get home it will hit again. The next time I get some life back in me is usually somewhere around 9:30-10pm, and usually I can ride that wave until bedtime around 12:30 or 1am.

Essentially, early on in this struggle of mine I was determined to not waste time, so basically what I do... is just fake it. Fake that I am really not tired, and I do things that I don't totally have the energy to do, but it's like... I refuse to waste time. Wasting time sometimes feels like the worst thing that I can do in my life, because yeah, while life doesn't end here on Earth, life here is still precious. So I fake it. Almost as if to hopefully trick my body into thinking it really isn't drowsy. Sometimes it works. Sometimes. But not often. It works most successfully when I am with other people, like Julia, or members of my family. It's a lot more difficult when I am alone.

But it seriously is one of the worst feelings you can experience. Because there are very few things that are worse than something that sucks away your energy and prevents you from being able to do anything so that, essentially, all you want to do is lie in bed all day... though, you realize that wouldn't help anything because that only makes you more sleepy.

Reading online I found that there are several things you can try. Perhaps changing up one's diet (I have never been a big "greens" eater, though not necessarily because I don't like them but just because I don't really think about getting them). I already drink tons of water every day. Adjusting the amount of hours one sleeps (I have tried multiple times with this, ranging from nine hours to five hours). Exercising (I already do this). And cutting down (or out) caffeine.

Now this latter one I haven't done, and perhaps it's something I may have to try. It's going to be difficult because I really like coffee, a lot. But at this point I am desperate to try just about anything if it means getting more energy. So I think I will attempt to cut down on coffee as well as increase my intake of greens.

If anyone has any additional tips please share them!

Ohhh, The Things We Do For Our Women

I don't like seafood.

I made that expressly clear in the early stages of my relationship with my fiancée. So, of course, what did her girlfriend ears translate that to her brain as when I told her?

He must have some seafood.

It was actually quite interesting, kind of like a psychiatrist she asked me several questions about why I did not like seafood. My answers were that I did not like the general texture of seafood, I don't like the smell of seafood, I don't like the look of seafood... in short: I don't like seafood. What did her ears translate that to her brain as?

MUST. Have. Seafood.

Though, to her credit, she did ask me if she could, perhaps, persuade me to try some. To which, at the time, because I was all googly-eyed over her (heh... as if I am any different now), I reluctantly said "Yesssss...." So... my very first in-person visit with her in March 2012 we went to a restaurant called Top O' The River... and she had me try some catfish.

I will admit... it was okay at best. Definitely not something I felt the need to eat a lot of, but I could see myself having it every now and again.

Since then I had escaped any further attempts by her to get me to try seafood. Almost made it through the year... until this last visit over Christmas break.

She's lucky I think she's so dadgum purdy...

On the night of her last day here in Jersey I took her to a local Italian restaurant called Venice where I ordered lasagna, which... was out of this heckin' world, I will have you know. Seriously, I can be pretty biased when it comes to lasagna, because I love my family's recipe so much. But this... this was absolutely deevine. And Julia...? Well... Julia got spaghetti and clams. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. There she was, eating it up, when suddenly she locks eyes with me, and holding me in her stupid irresistible gaze asks...

"Do you want to try some?"

At first I thought I could reject the question, I gave a simple "Nah..." But of course, with an almost puppy-dog like glare from her blue-grey eyes she remarked:

"You're not even going to try it?"

Stupidstupidstupid. How in heck's sake could I refuse that. Plus, in saying that she reminded me that, as a cook I do make it a point to try anything and everything at least once. I mean... how do I know I don't like it if I don't even know what it tastes like. Sooooo, reluctantly I received the clam-laden fork from her, and popped it into my mouth.

Look at it. Look at it, I say. Disgusting, isn't it.

As I remarked, as I chewed it.... It was... interesting. The taste itself wasn't too bad. But the texture was pretty disgusting. It felt like chewing on a piece of rubber, or a wad of bubblegum that you have been chewing for way too long. Plus there was this little imagination in my mind... what if it suddenly started moving and wriggling around. I almost gagged, but kept control and swallowed it with an awkward smile.

It really wasn't bad. Just such a weird texture. All seafood has such a weird texture. Sheesh. Maybe if it wasn't so weird to eat I would like it.

Anyway, I am sure a lot of guys are shaking their heads reading this, knowing or remembering full well what it's like to be in this kind of situation where you really don't have much hope in refusing a request from your woman to try some type of food that you really don't want to try.

Ohhh, the things we do for our women.

If heaven could be contained in food...

By the way, this is a picture of the lasagna. And yes... it was every bit as amazing as it looks. Why chew on rubber when you can have this, I ask. Why? WHY!?

I don't know.

But this I do know... I don't believe my attitude toward seafood will change anytime soon. Though, of course, that won't stop me from trying it... because I know I'm going to try more of it.

She will see to that.